STOP THE PRESSES AND PUT DOWN THE COFFEE! THE MYSTERY THAT HAD HALF THE CONTINENT ON THEIR MOUTHS IS OVER!
THE UNEXPECTED END OF THE CHUBUT GRANDPARENTS THAT NO ONE, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE, SAW COMING! HOLD ON TO YOUR CHAIR, BRO, BECAUSE THE TRUTH BEHIND THIS “SEE MORE” IS HOTTER THAN A HABANERO ON AN EMPTY STOMACH!
[CENTRAL NEWSROOM / IMPACT NEWS MX]
Hey everyone! You know what’s up! If you’re the kind of people who bite their nails over missing persons news, if you share missing person posters on Facebook and pray to the Virgin Mary when someone doesn’t come home, then this story had you on the verge of a heart attack.
Let’s do a quick recap of the drama that shook social media in the last 48 hours. The news spread like wildfire: “Retirees in Chubut disappear without a trace .” Oh dear! The mere mention of Chubut, way out there at the end of the world, in Argentine Patagonia, already sent chills down our spines. We imagined the worst: the icy wind, the immense solitude, or worse still, some crook taking advantage of the kindness of our elderly.
The protagonists of this media ordeal were Don Roberto (78 years old, hypertensive, but with a heart of gold) and his inseparable wife, Doña Elena (76 years old, famous for her empanadas and her short fuse). A couple from “the old days,” the kind they don’t make anymore, who had been married for 55 years and who never, listen carefully!, never went out even to the corner store without letting their daughter Martita know.
THE BEGINNING OF THE NIGHTMARE: SILENCE IN THE SOUTH
It all started Tuesday afternoon. Martita, who lives in Buenos Aires and religiously calls her bosses every day at 6 PM for gossip, called and called. Nothing. The landline sounded hollow, like an echo in a cave. Don Roberto’s cell phone, that old brick he only used for emergencies, went straight to voicemail.
By 8 PM, Martita was already hyperventilating. She called the neighbor, Doña Chona, the classic neighborhood busybody (God bless her for being so gossipy). Chona peeked over the fence and what she saw chilled us to the bone: the kitchen light was on, the TV was tuned to the soap opera channel, and the cat was meowing like crazy at the window! But there was no sign of Roberto and Elena.
All hell broke loose! The local police arrived, who, as usual, were completely clueless. “They probably went for a walk and got lost,” the useless lot were saying, as if Don Roberto, with his bad knee, could walk more than two blocks. The protocols were activated, the photo of the elderly couple flooded Twitter, prayer chains started on WhatsApp, and half the world was thinking: “That’s it, they’ve vanished off the face of the earth.”
Conspiracy theories quickly spread through the neighborhood. Some said it was aliens (because strange things happen down south, they say), others a gang of nursing home kidnappers, and still others that they’d fallen onto a glacier. The anxiety was real, palpable. Nobody slept a wink for two days.
THE “SEE MORE” THAT UNCOVERED THE CAN OF PICKS
And then, a few hours ago, that cursed headline appeared on your screens, that clickbait that plays with our feelings: “Retirees in Chubut have already been found in…See more” .
Where the hell? In a ditch? In a hospital? Lost in the mountains eating roots?
HOLY SHIT, DUDE! THE TRUTH IS A THOUSAND TIMES CRAZIER THAN FICTION!
Get ready, because here comes the bombshell. Here’s the reason why we’re bursting out laughing and crying with relief at the same time.
Don Roberto and Doña Elena were NOT kidnapped. They were NOT lost in the snow. They were NOT victims of crime.
The grandparents were found living the high life in a luxury hotel in Bariloche, in the middle of a monumental binge and spending their life savings at the casino!
That’s right, you bastards! The old guys have spilled the beans!
THE CHRONICLE OF THE GERIATRIC BLOWOUT
Our exclusive sources (the hotel receptionist who couldn’t stand the gossip) told us the whole story. It turns out that on Tuesday morning, Don Roberto got up and said to Doña Elena: “Honey, I’m fed up with the cold and watching the same stupid news on TV. Let’s get the hell out of here!”
And Doña Elena, who deep down was always a rebel without a cause, answered: “I’m in!”
They took the pension from the last three months that they had saved under the mattress, took out the savings “for the funeral” (how ironic!), turned off their cell phones so that Martita wouldn’t be bothering them, took the first bus to Bariloche and decided that 70 is the new 20.
THE CRIME SCENE (OR THE PLEASURE SCENE)
When the Bariloche police, alerted by the national search, located his registration at the “Gran Hotel Patagonia y Spa”, they could not believe their eyes when they entered the room.
There was no tragedy. There was a celebration.
Don Roberto was wearing a silk bathrobe (who knows where he got it!), with a cigar in one hand and a glass of expensive champagne in the other, singing José Alfredo Jiménez songs at the top of his lungs. Doña Elena, the empanada lady, was in the jacuzzi, with cucumber slices over her eyes and surrounded by casino chips. They say she was on a blackjack streak that put even the pros in Vegas to shame!
They had ordered room service: lobster, imported wines, fine chocolates. They went all out! They had spent in two days what a normal person earns in a year of work.
THE REACTION AND THE MORAL
When Martita finally managed to speak to them, amid tears and complaints, Don Roberto, his voice slurred by alcohol, simply told her: “Honey, don’t be a pain. We’re celebrating that we’re still alive. Let them take away what we’ve already enjoyed!”
The neighborhood in Chubut is divided. Some say they’re irresponsible and almost scared their daughter to death. Others, the majority, want to make them national heroes! What guts Don Roberto has and what ovaries Doña Elena has!
They taught us all a lesson, folks. They showed us that life is short, that it’s not all about working and paying bills, and that sometimes, just sometimes, you have to say “screw it all,” turn off your phone, and spend your money on champagne and jacuzzis before it’s too late.
Cheers to the party-loving grandparents of Chubut! Legends and legends until the day they die! And next time, let us know so we can join the bash!
